You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Panties = found
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
