I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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