I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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