there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
