You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
