Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
