Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
