I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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