The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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