Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
