Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It's never too late to be topless.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
