turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
