Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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