Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
