You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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