Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
