dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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