My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
