you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
