you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
