is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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