Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
