hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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