when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
