Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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