I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
