why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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