You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
