My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
