every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
