I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
