So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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