She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
