you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
last night I used snow as a chaser
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