i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
