I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
