I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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