And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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