I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
