I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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