And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
