next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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