you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
