I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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