He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
