I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
In America we eat man semen.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
