There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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