Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
