I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
