Umm I'm too high to move.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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