my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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