Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
