ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
