Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
